When Mothers Day arrives it is often a time to reflect on how our relationship with Mom has changed over the years. Sometimes part of the problem is that we can see how the relationship has changed, we are perhaps a parent ourselves, or have a successful business or career, but Mom still treats us as the kid who struggled with spelling or was afraid of dogs.

Let us look at how we can improve the relationship, as it is important to make the most of the time we have left with her. We have an important opportunity to enhance and improve the relationship whilst we both can appreciate it. Sometimes a useful first step is to try and see things from her point of view.

For some mothers part of the problem can be in acknowledging that their child is now an adult. There is no line in the sand where a mother suddenly realizes that her child is now making its own decisions and she can now relinquish the responsibility. Good hearted, affectionate humor can often be used effectively to make the point and let her see that she can now relax and just enjoy the relationship rather than have to manage it as well. Humor is a wonderful way of holding up a mirror and reflecting back to let her see how she is behaving.

Some mothers may have had disharmony or difficult times in the early years of their relationship with their children. Letting go of those hurts can sometimes be difficult especially if the problems have been continued over a long period of time. It may be useful to clear the air and discuss how you have both moved on. Things can be so much better between you both now that you are an older and more settled adult. You have the chance to enjoy a valuable sharing relationship. Perseverance and tolerance may well win through.

Sometimes the difficult patches in the relationship have occurred more recently. Are you completely innocent in the rift or is it worth appreciating that you do have some responsibility in the matter? Try apologizing. It could make all the difference and also enable her to see you in a more grown up light.

If Mom is the one who has made mistakes it may not be easy for her to accept responsibility and apologies. Sometimes we may need to forgive the mistake and move on, particularly if we want to keep the relationship in our life. Forgiveness is sometimes an indicator of being the bigger person. It may also be the time to recognize that our mother is a human being and capable of making mistakes. That in it can be a huge revelation, the time when we realize that our mother has flaws and faults and is not the perfect ideal person that we always imagined she was.

If there has been disruption in their adult children’s' personal relationships some mothers find it hard to step back from giving advice and hands on support. They may have been needed for a time and it can be tough to realize that once the emergency is over it may then be time for her to take a step back. Discuss how you appreciate all that has been done for you, but now you are back on track and keen to run your life how you feel is best. Finding ways to continue including her in a lighter, more social capacity is a respectful way to demonstrate how much she means to you and the family.

Child care can be a difficult area to manage. It is important at the outset to be clear as to what your standards are. There may well have to be some tolerance and flexibility on both sides, especially if you need the help regularly. If there is one area where you strongly disagree about her approach, move onto an area where you would appreciate her opinions and advice and let her know how much you value that support. Mutual respect is important by way of appreciating each others opinions.

Also look to include mother is some of the good times too, not just the chores and the baby sitting. Think, when is the last time the two of you went out together for fun? Try to schedule in a lunch, a show or a concert, something where you can enjoy each others company and chat and laugh together. Enjoy time together as adults.

By Susan Leigh

Summary: Examine the concepts of the right mother model during Mother’s Day.

Introduction

With the media bombarding women with unrealistic expectations for mothers, it is any wonder that today’s mothers feel under huge pressures to be perfect. Stay-at-home mothers feel guilt for not providing financially as it takes two people to make ends meet. Working mothers feel the guilt of attempting to balance a career and a family at the same time. Any person worth salt would recognize that mothers are often the glue that holds families together.   People do not like other people talking poorly about their mother, even if she has many flaws.  In fact, no matter how unfit or imperfect your mother may be, she is still your mother. Your mother might have been a bad cook. She might have been a drug abuser. She might have been a terrible person. However, her imperfections are not open to public scrutiny. This article examines a 21st century motherhood model in contemporary society.

Good mothers are difficult to model. According to the US Census in 2008, there are over 82 million mothers in America. Many mothers go about their business with little regard for their impact on society. As a matter of fact, the value of a good mother is often forgotten, except for the customary card on Mother’s Day. Not all mothers are built the same when it comes to character.  Some women are openly unfit or unprepared to be mothers. The notion of an unfit mother is a legal definition which may vary from state to state. However, an unfit mother may be defined as a mother who fails to take care of the   basic needs related to the physical, mental, and spiritual state of a child.

For example, Susan Smith, who was from South Carolina, became the poster child for a bad mother. She had appeared on national television proclaiming that her two children had been kidnapped. In reality, Smith had driven her car into a lake, drowning her children. She had done this act in pursuit of her own adulterous relationship. Smith was later convicted in 1995 and sentenced to life in prison for murdering her two sons, Michael Daniel Smith, 3, and 14-month-old Alexander Tyler Smith. Many individuals would point to her as an abusive or neglecting mother. Furthermore, there are so many famous women who are esteemed as the modern day feminist model, but these women often do not represent the ideal mother figure.

Good mothers distinguish themselves with an unselfish behavior. They are the ones who go the extra mile so that everyone’s mental or physical condition is properly cared for. In fact, true mothers put their families’ needs ahead of their own. Of course, this selfless image runs counter to the “ME” only culture. King Lemuel must have realized this fact when he outlined his motherhood model in Proverbs 31. The mother described in this passage is a loving wife, kindhearted mother, a champion of the oppressed, a business woman, a godly figure, and insightful advisor. The author notes about this woman, “Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.” Therefore, character does count if an individual wants to use the right model for good motherhood.

Today, many people take a good mother model for granted. Some people complain about their mothers and how they do not fit today’s media model of an ideal mother figure. These unrealistic expectations cause some women to despair because they do not fit this unrealistic expectation.  When there is a mother of unique character in society, she should be celebrated and cherished. In the daily grind of living, many folks lose sight of the positive influence of the right kind of mother. A good mother creates a legacy for future generations. Let’s hope that the positive model will never be forgotten. 

By Dr. Daryl Greene

It probably wasn’t until the late 1970’s when Christina Crawford’s tell all Mommy Dearest hit the book stores that we began to talk about the possibility of the imperfect mother/daughter relationship. While talk show hosts expressed doubt to the veracity of Crawford’s horrific tale of abuse while growing up as the daughter of movie legend Joan Crawford, throngs of women reading her book were nodding in assent. Finally someone was brave enough to say what many women (and men) had kept silent for years! Crawford blew the lid off the myth that all mothers were perfect.  She challenged the sanctity of motherhood by speaking about the unspeakable - abuse and violence at the hands of a mother. Rather than being June Cleaver some mothers wielded a meat cleaver.

Now some thirty years later, we speak more openly about the conflict in the mother/daughter relationship. Psychologist Victoria Secunda’s 1991 classic When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life helped millions of women discuss more openly the pain, confusion and profound loss that occur when these relationships are less than stellar.

So, here comes Mother’s Day. It demands we focus on this most important relationship.  While it is true that we all have mothers, it is not a given that the relationship is one that conjures up warm fuzzy feelings. There are abusive mothers, absent mothers and mothers who abandoned.  For these daughters, no matter how old, there is always a hole in the heart as they struggle to reconcile the profound confusion and ambivalence they feel toward their mother.  On Mother’s Day, these women feel deep loss.

Then there are mothers who have fractured relationships with their children. There are children who disappoint, detach and distance.  There are children who are abusive to their mothers. There are children who are defiant. There are children who commit crimes. On Mother’s Day, these women also feel deep loss.

Consider also the women who chose not have children, women who cannot have children, women who have lost children and children who have lost their mother. For all these women, this day is a day of deep loss. 

When the culture creates a template for how to experience/celebrate our relationships, it makes it difficult for those whose experience is off the grid to know exactly how to manage their feelings. They are bombarded with standardized, commercialized neatly packaged greeting card scenarios. Not unlike Valentine’s Day, on Mother’s Day (or Father’s Day) many are left feeling not only loss and isolation, but questioning again and again, if they could have done something differently or “What is wrong with me?”  The loss is tinged with self doubt as even the most competent adult grapples with the iconoclastic version of this relationship slamming right up against their own reality. 

We need to recognize that all these relationships do not fall into a cookie cutter model of Clare Huxtable. On Mother’s Day, many women feel ostracized and marginalized as they struggle to resist getting swept up the fantasy that all mother/daughter relationships are perfect, except their own. They often feel isolated with their shame-filled pain.

In doing research for this article I found the following in Wikipedia:

“One of the early calls to celebrate a Mother's Day in the United States was the "Mother's Day Proclamation" by Julia Ward Howe. Written in 1870, it was a pacifist reaction to the carnage of the American Civil War and the Franco-Prussian War. The Proclamation was tied to Howe's feminist belief that women had a responsibility to shape their societies at the political level. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mother's_Day)

So on this day of conflicting feelings, perhaps those who have painful relationships can do more than just muddle through. If we celebrate Julia Ward Howe’s original intent which was a “pacifist reaction to the carnage”, we can work to cultivate a pacifist and gentle reaction to the internal carnage we may feel. Howe believed that women had the responsibility to shape their societies at the political level and psychology tells us we all have responsibility to shape our lives on the emotional level.

By Donna Ferber

What do you think about this topic?